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When a couple separates after half a decade+, you really find out who your friends are.  They take sides, stop calling, come out of the woodwork to help, call to see if you are ok – or start dating your ex.

It was when the latter happened when my life changed drastically.  My depression has been under control for the most part for years, and suddenly I was spiraling into a really dark place.  I tried to hide it – after all I still had my teen to worry about, who was exhibiting symptoms of drug use, my 2 babies that I had pretty much full time, a Foster Daughter I had taken in and a new job I had just started when I moved back to the city.  But I wasn’t doing well – at all.  I was either drinking more at a gfs house, or out with her (on weekends that I didn’t have the wee ones), or I would lay in bed all weekend and read.  And I cried – a lot.  Not in front of anyone, again trying to hide everything, but still….. a lot.

depression-concept-made-with-words-drawing-a-spiral_131952839

So back to the Dr I went, and back to counseling.  My doctor upped my meds (doubled them in fact) and my counselor patiently listened to me crying about my ex, and my so called friend, and me questioning if we made the right choice separating, and was it best for the kids… etc etc…

When I was done, she looked at me and asked what I really remembered about my relationship. She said I seem to have this perfect house, with a white picket fence version in my head, and everything was mostly good (and she held her hand up high, like I revered that ‘memory’). Then she put her hand down and said – “Crystal – let that version go.  That is NOT what it was like. I have been your counselor for years, and you two had issues from day 1.  It’s like you are both addicted to each other – to the adrenaline of being mad all of the time.  You need to find a way to be happy”.

And just like that – the darkness was gone.  Not the sadness, not ALL of the guilt for what I have put my kids through – I still harbour some of that to this day – but that EMPTINESS.  I don’t know how else to describe what I had been feeling other than pure emptiness until that point. She showed me, and again TOLD me, what I NEEDED to hear, point blank and blunt.  Next step was making me and my kids happy again.

Letting-Go

My son had also been acting out – throwing tantrums and actually taking off, mostly at home but some at daycare – so she directed me to a wonderful place called New Directions, which would help with my parenting skills.  She also advised me to try and get active – endorphines are the best medicine!

My sister has become my best friend, and was so incredibly supportive through – well everything! Her and I decided to join Zumba! We found a Groupon™ and tried it out – LOVED IT!!!! This is who we went through: http://winnipegzumba.com/, HIGHLY recommended!

Then she dropped the big one on me! She asked if I wanted to go to CUBA with her for a friends wedding – HELL YA! I had never traveled anywhere exotic, we worked our asses off at Zumba, my Mom agreed to watch my kids, and in April 2012 I took my 1st trip away – and it was AMAZING.  Seriously – I fell in love and I can NOT wait to go back.  Next trip will be with “V”!

Beautiful Veradero Cuba – no matter how much weight I had lost, the bikini shots don’t lie! Still had a way to go in my fitness journey.

When I got back, my FD’s worker informed me she would be leaving 😦 and I also received a notice that my rent would be increasing – BOO! BUT this meant one other thing for this Mamabear – time to BUY HER OWN HOUSE!

And that is where I am going to leave this crazy year off….. there is so much to tell about the house hunt……it’s a neat story anyway – from the beyond…… :-O

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